Illusive Contentment

Life is constantly throwing us curveballs but I, for one, am tired of dodging the balls that seem to be aimed at my head. I realize life will never be perfect, but a finding a little contentment would be nice. Being unmarried has always been a 'sore spot' for me, especially since I am now 38 years old and I guess that makes me the stereotypical "spinster teacher/aunt" LOL

But there was a point during this year where I thought I had reached a stage of contentment. I keep a journal during sporatic times of my life and upon re-reading one entry from March - I found that I had reached a point where I was no longer 'obsessing' about finding THE ONE. I was still talking online but I was not searching anymore.

Then life aimed a curveball at my head . . . Just two days after this journal entry I started talking on the phone with a most intriguing man. He and I had a lot in common and seemed to 'click' and while I was trying to be cautious of my heart I felt a flicker of hope. I wanted to hope - but not too much; to protect my heart - but remain distant enough to protect me emotionally should things not work out. (Been there - Done That)

He and I continued to talk on the phone almost daily and for 2-6 hours at one time. We continued to find things in common and we continued to bond on a deeper level. I felt very close to him although we had not yet met face to face. Three times, we set up a time to meet and three times 'real life' interfered . . . *Sigh* I find myself hoping that this wasnt a 'three strikes and you're out' phenomenon.

A new curveball to this situation . . . he seems to have gone MIA. It has been two weeks since I have heard anything from him - no phone calls and no emails. Given what I "know" about this man just disappearing is not his style but my (neurotic) mind has been taking off in so many directions of 'why' I haven't heard from him.

So here I am blogging with a heavy heart because I really liked this guy and I was growing very attached to him (which I told myself not to do). So what am I supposed to think? - that he lost interest - that he found someone else - that he was hit by a bus - that he's dead (well I was a drama major).

How do I let go of a budding relationship that I felt was so promising? I should take a back off, with a wait and see attitude - but I am having difficulty with that. I have left phone messages and emails but have received no response. I think continuing to leave messages would appear to be desperate (and annoying) and that is what I do not want to be. :(

How do I hope that things work out while not deluding myself into some false hope? I don't know the answer to that but it is to that viewpoint I have come. I know I need to - keep moving forward keeping a flicker of hope and not create the melodrama in my mind ... :/

Who am i?

There’s a girl in the mirror

I wonder who she is

Sometimes I think I know her

Sometimes I really wish I did.

.

‘Girl In The Mirror’

lyrics by Britney Spears

Paradox

A Quote ~ Anais Nin

There were always in me, two women at least,
one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning
and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,
conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.

Grading Papers

I believe Teaching is my 'calling' and I love my job. The school where I am currently working is much better than any other school where I've worked.

HOWEVER - - -

I have a mountain of papers to grade... Being an English Teacher means having a lot more reading and subjective grading rather than basic answer type papers with which I can get students to help me. So - of course - most of this mountain is due to - you guessed it - procrastination. I thought I was being more organized by having them keep all of their work in their folders but then I neglected to go through the folders regularly.

Yes, I'm whining when I should be grading papers but I've been grading for about two hours tonight . . . I needed a break. I'm sure I have time to get all this done - it isn't like I have to finish it all tonight but the longer I wait the more I'd like to finish grading by blowtorch - lol

I've got to get more organized. (Famous last words - I still have boxes that aren't unpacked from my move in June '05)

Oh well . . . back to the stacks......................

Thoughts on life and God and . . .

Warning: A bit of rambling happening here . . . :)

So many things have happened in my life over the past few years . . . some good - some terrible - and some I was certain I would never live through. I've questioned everything I ever 'knew' to be true and I've come out still not knowing what I want to know. My faith was once a very big part of my life and has now basically become nonexistent. I was always involved in some church activity or another for the majority of my life and I loved it. It gave my life a feeling of purpose, destiny and fulfillment. But now it seems that I've come to a place of just not caring, not interested, and completely disconnected from that community of friends who have my family for approximately 20 years.

With everything that has happened in my life over the past several years I developed anxiety about almost everything and I sort of retreated into myself. Everything that I once thought I believed about God and the way life was supposed to work - has gone out the window and I've become cynical and sometimes angry about God, the church, and everything.

And I hate the "You are just being tested" theory because that just seems mean. I look to the Bible for answers and all I got is more questions. For example, God can sacrifice the children, health and possessions of Job so as to win a match against Satan. When Job asked why - God's answer was to tell him that He was God. When I asked someone why that wasnt mean of God they told me because he is God and he can do anything he wants.

Have I given up faith? I don't know. Maybe I just lost faith in faith. But don't imagine that this was an easy process. It has been like tearing my whole frame of reality to pieces, ripping to shreds the fabric of meaning and hope, betraying the values of existence. And it hurts.

There was no specific turning point for me. I one day just realized that I just couldn't care anymore. I felt drained, tired, and I just couldn't think anymore...so I just stopped...Stopped going to church, stopped reading the bible, and stopped thinking about any of it. Actually that isnt true I can't stop thinking as evidenced by this post. Family and friends always say, "God is in control" but that concept evades me sometimes because my thinking then becomes - if God is in control and all is well then Great! But if God is in control and someone's life is falling apart - how does that affect that persons view of God.

Anyway, I haven't come to any sort of final conclusions . . . maybe one day I'll understand things better. In the meantime, this confusion comes and goes from the forefront of my brain. And if I find someone who 'has all the answers' I'll let ya know. . . lol

Procrastination

Procrastination is my personal demon. It gets me into the most 'trouble' in every area of my life. I hate it but so far I haven't kicked the bad habit.

For example, I moved into my current place last June but most of my boxes are still packed and of the boxes that were unpacked a lot of the stuff still hasn't found its proper place. I can use the excuse that I started a new job in August - but that excuse falls a little flat.

At school, I procratinated with grading papers so that by the end of the semester I had stacks and stacks of things left to grade. In December - before Winter break - I wanted to finish grading by blowtorch.

So it should come as no surprise that my blog is not up to date. I have a written journal that I keep up with for the most part. I'll try to be better but no promises. :)