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*sigh*

First of all - merry christmas and bah humbug - christmas has never been a fun holiday for me and this year it seems i am having issues with all of my friends ... so it must me be but ... why?

why don't they like me anymore?

yeah ... that is my 5-yr-old inner child speaking but that is how i feel sometimes ... like all i do is tick people off but i don't know what i'm doing to make them so upset ...

i dont want to be obsessive and drive myself and everyone else insane ... i need to learn from my mistakes but i do need to be told what they are ... am i having blanks where i dont remember things i say "or am i losing my mind"

I Know - It's All My Fault

... but what did I do?

My friends are very important to me and I can be a fiercely loyal friend. But sometimes it seems that the more I let my guard down - my depth of emotion can overwhelm people. I seem to drive people away. :(

The Year of the Turtle

No – not the Chinese Zodiac ... lol

When describing me emotionally a friend once told me that I was like a turtle ... I don’t stick my head in the sand like an ostrich but I tuck myself inside my shell and peek out to see what is happening. Pretty accurate I think – lol.

It is unbelievable that it has been almost a year since my last blogging adventure ... “Time flies when you don’t know what you are doing” – at least that’s the way I heard it. :)

This year has been a challenging one for me ... I’ve been on this depression roller coaster starting about this time last year. I’ve had a diagnosis of clinical depression for many years but it can and has been controlled with medication.

Unfortunately, last summer seemed to be the beginning of a downward spiral. I was extremely emotionally hurt (see last blog entry) ... I became really depressed and started withdrawing. It felt as if my emotions were intense and all on the surface. Interacting with people became really difficult because I never knew how I might act or over-react ... so I tried not to react at all. Not the best plan but that was the way I was coping at the time. (Sounds so melodramatic)

Not that there is a ‘good time’ to be depressed but this was a particularly bad time because it was time for the annual SSC reunion. I love these people and was looking forward to the time together. We have so much fun together and laugh a lot. But my emotions were so messed up and I'm sure my friends were wondering ‘what the heck is wrong with her’ but I really couldn’t explain. I didn’t even play like I normally would have - because I didn’t know how my emotions would play out – I felt I had no control over them.

Teaching this year was like trudging through mud ... partly due to depression, but also due to more and more ‘rules and regulations’ from the County and State as well as students who appear to be totally unmotivated to learn. All of the stress contributed to physically illness and I was sick most of the spring. These things left me feeling exhausted and a bit like I was useless as a teacher.

I'm not whining - really. But now that school has ended for this year, I have a job for next year, and now I can relax and recuperate. I've seen my doctors so I'm feeling much better now. And I am very much looking forward to this year's annual SSC reunion. :)

Ok – TMI for now. I’ll try to keep a more updated blog. ;)