THE CHURCH SIGN

The church down the road announces their sermon titles on the sign out front. The title for this Sunday morning is listed as "God is Good - All the Time" . . .

Perhaps it is my somewhat cynical nature but there are times when I have a problem with that statement or at least a problem knowing how to remember that sentiment when everything around me seems to be falling down.

So, how can you remember that 'God is Good' when:

* You have a career that you Love but a job that you Hate

* You have boss that is constantly trying to get you fired and fabricating 'evidence' to do it.

* You barely make enough money to pay the regular bills but not quite enough money to buy food and other household necessities.

* You are 40ish and still relying on your parents to help 'fix' things.

* Every time things start to look up - the rug gets ripped out and there is a sinkhole underneath it . . . or the light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.

* Your parents are getting older and you worry about them because they worry about you

There is a lot more but these are the things I'm currently stuck on . . .

But these are the times I question the statement - God is good - all the time - - Really???

Not "spiritually correct" but absolutely honest!

:/

What's the Point Anyway?

Deja Vu

or something like that . . .

The dictionary definition of Deja Vu is the illusion that something has happened before . . . but I think I must be stuck in a Time Loop because this has actually happened to me before.

Once again - I have been place on Administrative Leave from school (with pay - thank goodness) because of an investigation that is taking place because of some incidents of which I am in the middle - again.

I think I must be a magnet for these types of things to happen. I didn't do anything overtly wrong but by being naive and trusting two of my students something happened that has left me in the middle of this investigation where 'the powers that be' decide whether I was negligent or not. In my opinion I wasn't negligent but sadly blind trust is never a good idea.

This is my eighth year of teaching and I've had the oddest things happen to me. I do not claim to be an innocent bystander but the things that happen are usually results of some innocent thing I've said or done that was taken out of context. One incident was the result of a vindictive student lying about things and no one bothered to ask me what happened - I was just blindsided by trouble. These have been learning experiences for sure so I guess this is what is meant by The School of Hard Knocks.

This time I am not going through this incident by myself because now I am a member of the union and they are helping me get through the process. My representative told me not to sit around and worry because they are there to take care of me. He even told me to pretend like I was on vacation . . . it is still a little unnerving not knowing how long this will continue. I've been out of school for a week already and I haven't heard anything indicating moving forward yet.

Patience . . . I'm still trying to learn that too.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I hate myself
. . . for being trusting. . .
. . . for being too emotional. . .
. . . for not being more skeptical. . .
. . . for caring so much. . .
. . . for opening up. . .
. . . for being vulnerable. . .

. . . for being honest. . .
. . . for being forgiving. . .
. . . for loving too much. . .

Because it hurts so much more when you fall.

But then I remember that I have felt this way before.
And I know that the hurt does fade.

Meeting Niko

Sometimes people do really stupid things when they feel desperate or restless. In this case when I say ‘people’ I mean me … I did something really stupid - I'd like to claim I didn't know what I was doing and say I did not really seeing how dumb until it was too late. . . but I knew better.

THE EXPOSITION
Over the past five or six years I have been having fun exploring in the spanking/bdsm lifestyle. I’ve had a safe place to play and people to answer my questions, which provided a bit of a safety net. Over the process of time I’ve become hooked – I love all of the different sensations.It is difficult to explain - But I always felt that when life was out of balance when I was able to have a moderate to high intensity ‘scene/session’ it would help me get my head on straight again. Occasionally I’d feel a real need for this and when I couldn’t get it met I would feel a little more out of balance. I can’t begin to explain the how and why … except maybe the endorphins help to realign my brain cells – lol… That kind of medicine always seems to set my mind right, at least for a while.

THE DANGER
However, over this current year, for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out for me to be able to get this need met so I started looking around online to see if I could meet someone. I met a man online near the middle of November who said he could help me. We talked online for a week or so … then we talked on the phone a few times and he seemed to be an okay person. At the beginning of December we agreed to meet at a McDonalds halfway between each of our homes.

I arrived a bit before he did so I could watch for him. After he arrived we talked for about 15-20 minutes before he suggested that we go to the motel across the street. He gave me the money to pay for the room and we each drove our cars to the motel.

The part after we got into the motel room starts to get a bit blurry because I was really nervous. We talked a few minutes I think and then he had me over the bed. He started by using a wooden paddle and he was using it extremely hard. I was screaming into a pillow but that didn’t change his approach at all. He may have switch implements but still using wood and he was using it very hard. Although I have been known to have a high tolerance, now wasn’t one of those times. He only stopped when he was ready to stop and not because of any of my screaming or crying ... and no safeword applied to him.

THE CONSEQUENCES
I really, truly just wanted some sort of therapeutic spanking; but what I got was abuse. He left me alone, in pain, and bleeding in some lame motel room.

.

I haven’t told this story to anyone - until now - by writing it in my blog. I do realize now what a chance I took by doing this and I realize that things could have turned out much worse!! But I was feeling lost and pushed away from my regular group of friends. I definately wasn't being as careful, as I usually would be if I had been in my ‘right mind’ – :(

2008 - A New Beginning?

"Tradition dictates that every 365 days, you should try to kick bad habits and start your life anew."

"Starting over! You know, you messed up a bit and it would be just great if you just begin again, clean the slate and start fresh? This explains the appeal of the New Year's holiday ... New year, new possibility ... Maybe this time you'll get it right."

January 1st is not only the start of the New Year, but is when many begin their New Year’s Resolutions ... Manage stress. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Spend more time with family. Blah, blah, blah ...

But getting hung up on the past stops many people from reaching those new goals ... unfortunately all of those memories of all the stupid things you've done go running through your mind ... and somehow convince us that we are gonna get stuck in the same circle again this year.

I wanna stop that ... that is tiresome and tiring!! But how to pull out of the rut is the real challenge. The task sometimes seems so daunting that I hardly want to get out of bed to try. I've always said sleep was my drug of choice but that certainly isn't going to help accomplish any type of goal ... And making specific goals was never one of my talents.

But starting tomorrow - I've got to get up and go to work and just maybe that can be the jump start I need to keep moving. Cuz "Life goes on . . ."