I Know - It's All My Fault

... but what did I do?

My friends are very important to me and I can be a fiercely loyal friend. But sometimes it seems that the more I let my guard down - my depth of emotion can overwhelm people. I seem to drive people away. :(

The Year of the Turtle

No – not the Chinese Zodiac ... lol

When describing me emotionally a friend once told me that I was like a turtle ... I don’t stick my head in the sand like an ostrich but I tuck myself inside my shell and peek out to see what is happening. Pretty accurate I think – lol.

It is unbelievable that it has been almost a year since my last blogging adventure ... “Time flies when you don’t know what you are doing” – at least that’s the way I heard it. :)

This year has been a challenging one for me ... I’ve been on this depression roller coaster starting about this time last year. I’ve had a diagnosis of clinical depression for many years but it can and has been controlled with medication.

Unfortunately, last summer seemed to be the beginning of a downward spiral. I was extremely emotionally hurt (see last blog entry) ... I became really depressed and started withdrawing. It felt as if my emotions were intense and all on the surface. Interacting with people became really difficult because I never knew how I might act or over-react ... so I tried not to react at all. Not the best plan but that was the way I was coping at the time. (Sounds so melodramatic)

Not that there is a ‘good time’ to be depressed but this was a particularly bad time because it was time for the annual SSC reunion. I love these people and was looking forward to the time together. We have so much fun together and laugh a lot. But my emotions were so messed up and I'm sure my friends were wondering ‘what the heck is wrong with her’ but I really couldn’t explain. I didn’t even play like I normally would have - because I didn’t know how my emotions would play out – I felt I had no control over them.

Teaching this year was like trudging through mud ... partly due to depression, but also due to more and more ‘rules and regulations’ from the County and State as well as students who appear to be totally unmotivated to learn. All of the stress contributed to physically illness and I was sick most of the spring. These things left me feeling exhausted and a bit like I was useless as a teacher.

I'm not whining - really. But now that school has ended for this year, I have a job for next year, and now I can relax and recuperate. I've seen my doctors so I'm feeling much better now. And I am very much looking forward to this year's annual SSC reunion. :)

Ok – TMI for now. I’ll try to keep a more updated blog. ;)

Illusive Contentment

Life is constantly throwing us curveballs but I, for one, am tired of dodging the balls that seem to be aimed at my head. I realize life will never be perfect, but a finding a little contentment would be nice. Being unmarried has always been a 'sore spot' for me, especially since I am now 38 years old and I guess that makes me the stereotypical "spinster teacher/aunt" LOL

But there was a point during this year where I thought I had reached a stage of contentment. I keep a journal during sporatic times of my life and upon re-reading one entry from March - I found that I had reached a point where I was no longer 'obsessing' about finding THE ONE. I was still talking online but I was not searching anymore.

Then life aimed a curveball at my head . . . Just two days after this journal entry I started talking on the phone with a most intriguing man. He and I had a lot in common and seemed to 'click' and while I was trying to be cautious of my heart I felt a flicker of hope. I wanted to hope - but not too much; to protect my heart - but remain distant enough to protect me emotionally should things not work out. (Been there - Done That)

He and I continued to talk on the phone almost daily and for 2-6 hours at one time. We continued to find things in common and we continued to bond on a deeper level. I felt very close to him although we had not yet met face to face. Three times, we set up a time to meet and three times 'real life' interfered . . . *Sigh* I find myself hoping that this wasnt a 'three strikes and you're out' phenomenon.

A new curveball to this situation . . . he seems to have gone MIA. It has been two weeks since I have heard anything from him - no phone calls and no emails. Given what I "know" about this man just disappearing is not his style but my (neurotic) mind has been taking off in so many directions of 'why' I haven't heard from him.

So here I am blogging with a heavy heart because I really liked this guy and I was growing very attached to him (which I told myself not to do). So what am I supposed to think? - that he lost interest - that he found someone else - that he was hit by a bus - that he's dead (well I was a drama major).

How do I let go of a budding relationship that I felt was so promising? I should take a back off, with a wait and see attitude - but I am having difficulty with that. I have left phone messages and emails but have received no response. I think continuing to leave messages would appear to be desperate (and annoying) and that is what I do not want to be. :(

How do I hope that things work out while not deluding myself into some false hope? I don't know the answer to that but it is to that viewpoint I have come. I know I need to - keep moving forward keeping a flicker of hope and not create the melodrama in my mind ... :/

Who am i?

There’s a girl in the mirror

I wonder who she is

Sometimes I think I know her

Sometimes I really wish I did.

.

‘Girl In The Mirror’

lyrics by Britney Spears