Thoughts on life and God and . . .

Warning: A bit of rambling happening here . . . :)

So many things have happened in my life over the past few years . . . some good - some terrible - and some I was certain I would never live through. I've questioned everything I ever 'knew' to be true and I've come out still not knowing what I want to know. My faith was once a very big part of my life and has now basically become nonexistent. I was always involved in some church activity or another for the majority of my life and I loved it. It gave my life a feeling of purpose, destiny and fulfillment. But now it seems that I've come to a place of just not caring, not interested, and completely disconnected from that community of friends who have my family for approximately 20 years.

With everything that has happened in my life over the past several years I developed anxiety about almost everything and I sort of retreated into myself. Everything that I once thought I believed about God and the way life was supposed to work - has gone out the window and I've become cynical and sometimes angry about God, the church, and everything.

And I hate the "You are just being tested" theory because that just seems mean. I look to the Bible for answers and all I got is more questions. For example, God can sacrifice the children, health and possessions of Job so as to win a match against Satan. When Job asked why - God's answer was to tell him that He was God. When I asked someone why that wasnt mean of God they told me because he is God and he can do anything he wants.

Have I given up faith? I don't know. Maybe I just lost faith in faith. But don't imagine that this was an easy process. It has been like tearing my whole frame of reality to pieces, ripping to shreds the fabric of meaning and hope, betraying the values of existence. And it hurts.

There was no specific turning point for me. I one day just realized that I just couldn't care anymore. I felt drained, tired, and I just couldn't think anymore...so I just stopped...Stopped going to church, stopped reading the bible, and stopped thinking about any of it. Actually that isnt true I can't stop thinking as evidenced by this post. Family and friends always say, "God is in control" but that concept evades me sometimes because my thinking then becomes - if God is in control and all is well then Great! But if God is in control and someone's life is falling apart - how does that affect that persons view of God.

Anyway, I haven't come to any sort of final conclusions . . . maybe one day I'll understand things better. In the meantime, this confusion comes and goes from the forefront of my brain. And if I find someone who 'has all the answers' I'll let ya know. . . lol