Apparently, I suck at keeping up with my blog!
Dec 20, 2013
Mar 21, 2011
Getting Passed the Past
** Learning, Growing, and Reconnecting . . .
It is time for me to 'get with it' ~ I feel like I've been MIA from my own life over the past several years. Now is the time - I'm Asking for forgiveness and trying to forgive myself for things I cannot change ... The old cliche' says, "That which does not kills us makes us stronger" ~ so I am definitely stronger now.
I am reaching out . . .
Unfortunately, it seems as if the starting over part is the most challenging. Reconnecting with friends can be most difficult, especially if there was discord. Life stuff goes 'topsy-turvy', lashing out at people we are closest to causes a lot of hurt, and healing those bonds is very important to me.
I'm sure everyone has done things in their past that we wish we could take back ... hurt people we loved & probably just plain f'd up; but getting passed all that seems to be the difficult part. We all have our share of 'issues' and I know in my past I had what one might call 'filtering' issues. I have a very dry, sarcastic wit and it is not always appreciated and can hurt. Too often I'd say whatever popped into my head without thinking ... especially around my closest friends.
I've recently been excited to reconnect to many old friends on a certain website where we can communicate again and I am blessed to find that many of them are just as accepting as if I hadn't been 'gone' - I love that. Still other friends, whom I love, must still be hurt/angry about things that happened when I had a meltdown & sort of 'dropped out of life' ~ I want to apologize, I want to reconnect to them as well.
"True Friends" are rare and I wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt, disappoint, or upset a friend; but unfortunately it happens. My friendships are extremely important to me, I would give them the shirt off my back, my last penny, or anything else they needed. I always want to be there for them for anything in anyway I can!!
I've been 'reinventing' myself, learning from past mistakes, and learning how to avoid those same mistakes in the future (learning how to filter - tempering my emotions by using my brain.) Although I love to erase the hurts, I can't; I can only apologize, express my continued care for others, and continually challenge myself to learn and grow.
I hope to continue to 'rejoin' life and reconnect with my wonderful friends.
It is time for me to 'get with it' ~ I feel like I've been MIA from my own life over the past several years. Now is the time - I'm Asking for forgiveness and trying to forgive myself for things I cannot change ... The old cliche' says, "That which does not kills us makes us stronger" ~ so I am definitely stronger now.
I am reaching out . . .
Unfortunately, it seems as if the starting over part is the most challenging. Reconnecting with friends can be most difficult, especially if there was discord. Life stuff goes 'topsy-turvy', lashing out at people we are closest to causes a lot of hurt, and healing those bonds is very important to me.
I'm sure everyone has done things in their past that we wish we could take back ... hurt people we loved & probably just plain f'd up; but getting passed all that seems to be the difficult part. We all have our share of 'issues' and I know in my past I had what one might call 'filtering' issues. I have a very dry, sarcastic wit and it is not always appreciated and can hurt. Too often I'd say whatever popped into my head without thinking ... especially around my closest friends.
I've recently been excited to reconnect to many old friends on a certain website where we can communicate again and I am blessed to find that many of them are just as accepting as if I hadn't been 'gone' - I love that. Still other friends, whom I love, must still be hurt/angry about things that happened when I had a meltdown & sort of 'dropped out of life' ~ I want to apologize, I want to reconnect to them as well.
"True Friends" are rare and I wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt, disappoint, or upset a friend; but unfortunately it happens. My friendships are extremely important to me, I would give them the shirt off my back, my last penny, or anything else they needed. I always want to be there for them for anything in anyway I can!!
I've been 'reinventing' myself, learning from past mistakes, and learning how to avoid those same mistakes in the future (learning how to filter - tempering my emotions by using my brain.) Although I love to erase the hurts, I can't; I can only apologize, express my continued care for others, and continually challenge myself to learn and grow.
I hope to continue to 'rejoin' life and reconnect with my wonderful friends.
Jun 18, 2009
Lost Friendships
I HATE losing people in my life. Right now I'm not talking about loss through death - although I really hate that too... I'm talking about losing friends through arguments, misunderstandings, or when other people come between friends.
Why can't some people understand that an argument does not automatically END a friendship? Things can be talked out or people can agree to disagree.
Or why do other people feel the need to interfere or "plain out LIE" in order to get between two friends? Some people think they need the monopoly on a person and will do anything to get other friends out of their way. People are capable of caring of more than one friend at a time. But people feel the need to lie or to purposely cause misunderstandings to destroy relationships ... GRRRR I hate that!!
My friends - ALL of my friends - are very important in my life. Whether I see them every day or see them once in a blue moon - I love my friends. I am always willing to go the extra mile for a friend and (if I do say so myself) I go out of my way to prove that. So how can it be that someone can so easily dismiss all the years of friendship because of an arguement or misunderstanding.
People who lie are the worst type of person - in my opinion of course. GRRRR!!
I have Lots more to say on the subject - but my mood is such that I cannot continue at the moment!
~g
Why can't some people understand that an argument does not automatically END a friendship? Things can be talked out or people can agree to disagree.
Or why do other people feel the need to interfere or "plain out LIE" in order to get between two friends? Some people think they need the monopoly on a person and will do anything to get other friends out of their way. People are capable of caring of more than one friend at a time. But people feel the need to lie or to purposely cause misunderstandings to destroy relationships ... GRRRR I hate that!!
My friends - ALL of my friends - are very important in my life. Whether I see them every day or see them once in a blue moon - I love my friends. I am always willing to go the extra mile for a friend and (if I do say so myself) I go out of my way to prove that. So how can it be that someone can so easily dismiss all the years of friendship because of an arguement or misunderstanding.
People who lie are the worst type of person - in my opinion of course. GRRRR!!
I have Lots more to say on the subject - but my mood is such that I cannot continue at the moment!
~g
Nov 22, 2008
THE CHURCH SIGN
The church down the road announces their sermon titles on the sign out front. The title for this Sunday morning is listed as "God is Good - All the Time" . . .
Perhaps it is my somewhat cynical nature but there are times when I have a problem with that statement or at least a problem knowing how to remember that sentiment when everything around me seems to be falling down.
So, how can you remember that 'God is Good' when:
* You have a career that you Love but a job that you Hate
* You have boss that is constantly trying to get you fired and fabricating 'evidence' to do it.
* You barely make enough money to pay the regular bills but not quite enough money to buy food and other household necessities.
* You are 40ish and still relying on your parents to help 'fix' things.
* Every time things start to look up - the rug gets ripped out and there is a sinkhole underneath it . . . or the light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
* Your parents are getting older and you worry about them because they worry about you
There is a lot more but these are the things I'm currently stuck on . . .
But these are the times I question the statement - God is good - all the time - - Really???
Not "spiritually correct" but absolutely honest!
:/
Perhaps it is my somewhat cynical nature but there are times when I have a problem with that statement or at least a problem knowing how to remember that sentiment when everything around me seems to be falling down.
So, how can you remember that 'God is Good' when:
* You have a career that you Love but a job that you Hate
* You have boss that is constantly trying to get you fired and fabricating 'evidence' to do it.
* You barely make enough money to pay the regular bills but not quite enough money to buy food and other household necessities.
* You are 40ish and still relying on your parents to help 'fix' things.
* Every time things start to look up - the rug gets ripped out and there is a sinkhole underneath it . . . or the light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
* Your parents are getting older and you worry about them because they worry about you
There is a lot more but these are the things I'm currently stuck on . . .
But these are the times I question the statement - God is good - all the time - - Really???
Not "spiritually correct" but absolutely honest!
:/
Apr 14, 2008
Mar 13, 2008
Deja Vu
or something like that . . .
The dictionary definition of Deja Vu is the illusion that something has happened before . . . but I think I must be stuck in a Time Loop because this has actually happened to me before.
Once again - I have been place on Administrative Leave from school (with pay - thank goodness) because of an investigation that is taking place because of some incidents of which I am in the middle - again.
I think I must be a magnet for these types of things to happen. I didn't do anything overtly wrong but by being naive and trusting two of my students something happened that has left me in the middle of this investigation where 'the powers that be' decide whether I was negligent or not. In my opinion I wasn't negligent but sadly blind trust is never a good idea.
This is my eighth year of teaching and I've had the oddest things happen to me. I do not claim to be an innocent bystander but the things that happen are usually results of some innocent thing I've said or done that was taken out of context. One incident was the result of a vindictive student lying about things and no one bothered to ask me what happened - I was just blindsided by trouble. These have been learning experiences for sure so I guess this is what is meant by The School of Hard Knocks.
This time I am not going through this incident by myself because now I am a member of the union and they are helping me get through the process. My representative told me not to sit around and worry because they are there to take care of me. He even told me to pretend like I was on vacation . . . it is still a little unnerving not knowing how long this will continue. I've been out of school for a week already and I haven't heard anything indicating moving forward yet.
The dictionary definition of Deja Vu is the illusion that something has happened before . . . but I think I must be stuck in a Time Loop because this has actually happened to me before.
Once again - I have been place on Administrative Leave from school (with pay - thank goodness) because of an investigation that is taking place because of some incidents of which I am in the middle - again.
I think I must be a magnet for these types of things to happen. I didn't do anything overtly wrong but by being naive and trusting two of my students something happened that has left me in the middle of this investigation where 'the powers that be' decide whether I was negligent or not. In my opinion I wasn't negligent but sadly blind trust is never a good idea.
This is my eighth year of teaching and I've had the oddest things happen to me. I do not claim to be an innocent bystander but the things that happen are usually results of some innocent thing I've said or done that was taken out of context. One incident was the result of a vindictive student lying about things and no one bothered to ask me what happened - I was just blindsided by trouble. These have been learning experiences for sure so I guess this is what is meant by The School of Hard Knocks.
This time I am not going through this incident by myself because now I am a member of the union and they are helping me get through the process. My representative told me not to sit around and worry because they are there to take care of me. He even told me to pretend like I was on vacation . . . it is still a little unnerving not knowing how long this will continue. I've been out of school for a week already and I haven't heard anything indicating moving forward yet.
Patience . . . I'm still trying to learn that too.
Feb 14, 2008
SOMETIMES
Sometimes I hate myself
. . . for being trusting. . .
. . . for being too emotional. . .
. . . for not being more skeptical. . .
. . . for caring so much. . .
. . . for opening up. . .
. . . for being vulnerable. . .
. . . for being trusting. . .
. . . for being too emotional. . .
. . . for not being more skeptical. . .
. . . for caring so much. . .
. . . for opening up. . .
. . . for being vulnerable. . .
. . . for being honest. . .
. . . for being forgiving. . .
. . . for loving too much. . .
. . . for being forgiving. . .
. . . for loving too much. . .
Because it hurts so much more when you fall.
But then I remember that I have felt this way before.
And I know that the hurt does fade.
Jan 30, 2008
Meeting Niko
Sometimes people do really stupid things when they feel desperate or restless. In this case when I say ‘people’ I mean me … I did something really stupid - I'd like to claim I didn't know what I was doing and say I did not really seeing how dumb until it was too late. . . but I knew better.
THE EXPOSITION
Over the past five or six years I have been having fun exploring in the spanking/bdsm lifestyle. I’ve had a safe place to play and people to answer my questions, which provided a bit of a safety net. Over the process of time I’ve become hooked – I love all of the different sensations.It is difficult to explain - But I always felt that when life was out of balance when I was able to have a moderate to high intensity ‘scene/session’ it would help me get my head on straight again. Occasionally I’d feel a real need for this and when I couldn’t get it met I would feel a little more out of balance. I can’t begin to explain the how and why … except maybe the endorphins help to realign my brain cells – lol… That kind of medicine always seems to set my mind right, at least for a while.
THE DANGER
However, over this current year, for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out for me to be able to get this need met so I started looking around online to see if I could meet someone. I met a man online near the middle of November who said he could help me. We talked online for a week or so … then we talked on the phone a few times and he seemed to be an okay person. At the beginning of December we agreed to meet at a McDonalds halfway between each of our homes.
THE EXPOSITION
Over the past five or six years I have been having fun exploring in the spanking/bdsm lifestyle. I’ve had a safe place to play and people to answer my questions, which provided a bit of a safety net. Over the process of time I’ve become hooked – I love all of the different sensations.It is difficult to explain - But I always felt that when life was out of balance when I was able to have a moderate to high intensity ‘scene/session’ it would help me get my head on straight again. Occasionally I’d feel a real need for this and when I couldn’t get it met I would feel a little more out of balance. I can’t begin to explain the how and why … except maybe the endorphins help to realign my brain cells – lol… That kind of medicine always seems to set my mind right, at least for a while.
THE DANGER
However, over this current year, for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out for me to be able to get this need met so I started looking around online to see if I could meet someone. I met a man online near the middle of November who said he could help me. We talked online for a week or so … then we talked on the phone a few times and he seemed to be an okay person. At the beginning of December we agreed to meet at a McDonalds halfway between each of our homes.
I arrived a bit before he did so I could watch for him. After he arrived we talked for about 15-20 minutes before he suggested that we go to the motel across the street. He gave me the money to pay for the room and we each drove our cars to the motel.
The part after we got into the motel room starts to get a bit blurry because I was really nervous. We talked a few minutes I think and then he had me over the bed. He started by using a wooden paddle and he was using it extremely hard. I was screaming into a pillow but that didn’t change his approach at all. He may have switch implements but still using wood and he was using it very hard. Although I have been known to have a high tolerance, now wasn’t one of those times. He only stopped when he was ready to stop and not because of any of my screaming or crying ... and no safeword applied to him.
THE CONSEQUENCES
I really, truly just wanted some sort of therapeutic spanking; but what I got was abuse. He left me alone, in pain, and bleeding in some lame motel room.
.
I haven’t told this story to anyone - until now - by writing it in my blog. I do realize now what a chance I took by doing this and I realize that things could have turned out much worse!! But I was feeling lost and pushed away from my regular group of friends. I definately wasn't being as careful, as I usually would be if I had been in my ‘right mind’ – :(
Jan 1, 2008
2008 - A New Beginning?
"Tradition dictates that every 365 days, you should try to kick bad habits and start your life anew."
"Starting over! You know, you messed up a bit and it would be just great if you just begin again, clean the slate and start fresh? This explains the appeal of the New Year's holiday ... New year, new possibility ... Maybe this time you'll get it right."
January 1st is not only the start of the New Year, but is when many begin their New Year’s Resolutions ... Manage stress. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Spend more time with family. Blah, blah, blah ...
But getting hung up on the past stops many people from reaching those new goals ... unfortunately all of those memories of all the stupid things you've done go running through your mind ... and somehow convince us that we are gonna get stuck in the same circle again this year.
I wanna stop that ... that is tiresome and tiring!! But how to pull out of the rut is the real challenge. The task sometimes seems so daunting that I hardly want to get out of bed to try. I've always said sleep was my drug of choice but that certainly isn't going to help accomplish any type of goal ... And making specific goals was never one of my talents.
But starting tomorrow - I've got to get up and go to work and just maybe that can be the jump start I need to keep moving. Cuz "Life goes on . . ."
"Starting over! You know, you messed up a bit and it would be just great if you just begin again, clean the slate and start fresh? This explains the appeal of the New Year's holiday ... New year, new possibility ... Maybe this time you'll get it right."
January 1st is not only the start of the New Year, but is when many begin their New Year’s Resolutions ... Manage stress. Eat healthier. Exercise more. Spend more time with family. Blah, blah, blah ...
But getting hung up on the past stops many people from reaching those new goals ... unfortunately all of those memories of all the stupid things you've done go running through your mind ... and somehow convince us that we are gonna get stuck in the same circle again this year.
I wanna stop that ... that is tiresome and tiring!! But how to pull out of the rut is the real challenge. The task sometimes seems so daunting that I hardly want to get out of bed to try. I've always said sleep was my drug of choice but that certainly isn't going to help accomplish any type of goal ... And making specific goals was never one of my talents.
But starting tomorrow - I've got to get up and go to work and just maybe that can be the jump start I need to keep moving. Cuz "Life goes on . . ."
Dec 30, 2007
Dec 12, 2007
*sigh*
First of all - merry christmas and bah humbug - christmas has never been a fun holiday for me and this year it seems i am having issues with all of my friends ... so it must me be but ... why?
why don't they like me anymore?
yeah ... that is my 5-yr-old inner child speaking but that is how i feel sometimes ... like all i do is tick people off but i don't know what i'm doing to make them so upset ...
i dont want to be obsessive and drive myself and everyone else insane ... i need to learn from my mistakes but i do need to be told what they are ... am i having blanks where i dont remember things i say "or am i losing my mind"
why don't they like me anymore?
yeah ... that is my 5-yr-old inner child speaking but that is how i feel sometimes ... like all i do is tick people off but i don't know what i'm doing to make them so upset ...
i dont want to be obsessive and drive myself and everyone else insane ... i need to learn from my mistakes but i do need to be told what they are ... am i having blanks where i dont remember things i say "or am i losing my mind"
Dec 10, 2007
I Know - It's All My Fault
... but what did I do?
My friends are very important to me and I can be a fiercely loyal friend. But sometimes it seems that the more I let my guard down - my depth of emotion can overwhelm people. I seem to drive people away. :(
My friends are very important to me and I can be a fiercely loyal friend. But sometimes it seems that the more I let my guard down - my depth of emotion can overwhelm people. I seem to drive people away. :(
Jun 1, 2007
The Year of the Turtle
No – not the Chinese Zodiac ... lol
When describing me emotionally a friend once told me that I was like a turtle ... I don’t stick my head in the sand like an ostrich but I tuck myself inside my shell and peek out to see what is happening. Pretty accurate I think – lol.
It is unbelievable that it has been almost a year since my last blogging adventure ... “Time flies when you don’t know what you are doing” – at least that’s the way I heard it. :)
This year has been a challenging one for me ... I’ve been on this depression roller coaster starting about this time last year. I’ve had a diagnosis of clinical depression for many years but it can and has been controlled with medication.
Unfortunately, last summer seemed to be the beginning of a downward spiral. I was extremely emotionally hurt (see last blog entry) ... I became really depressed and started withdrawing. It felt as if my emotions were intense and all on the surface. Interacting with people became really difficult because I never knew how I might act or over-react ... so I tried not to react at all. Not the best plan but that was the way I was coping at the time. (Sounds so melodramatic)
Not that there is a ‘good time’ to be depressed but this was a particularly bad time because it was time for the annual SSC reunion. I love these people and was looking forward to the time together. We have so much fun together and laugh a lot. But my emotions were so messed up and I'm sure my friends were wondering ‘what the heck is wrong with her’ but I really couldn’t explain. I didn’t even play like I normally would have - because I didn’t know how my emotions would play out – I felt I had no control over them.
Teaching this year was like trudging through mud ... partly due to depression, but also due to more and more ‘rules and regulations’ from the County and State as well as students who appear to be totally unmotivated to learn. All of the stress contributed to physically illness and I was sick most of the spring. These things left me feeling exhausted and a bit like I was useless as a teacher.
I'm not whining - really. But now that school has ended for this year, I have a job for next year, and now I can relax and recuperate. I've seen my doctors so I'm feeling much better now. And I am very much looking forward to this year's annual SSC reunion. :)
Ok – TMI for now. I’ll try to keep a more updated blog. ;)
Jun 17, 2006
Illusive Contentment
Life is constantly throwing us curveballs but I, for one, am tired of dodging the balls that seem to be aimed at my head. I realize life will never be perfect, but a finding a little contentment would be nice. Being unmarried has always been a 'sore spot' for me, especially since I am now 38 years old and I guess that makes me the stereotypical "spinster teacher/aunt" LOL
But there was a point during this year where I thought I had reached a stage of contentment. I keep a journal during sporatic times of my life and upon re-reading one entry from March - I found that I had reached a point where I was no longer 'obsessing' about finding THE ONE. I was still talking online but I was not searching anymore.
Then life aimed a curveball at my head . . . Just two days after this journal entry I started talking on the phone with a most intriguing man. He and I had a lot in common and seemed to 'click' and while I was trying to be cautious of my heart I felt a flicker of hope. I wanted to hope - but not too much; to protect my heart - but remain distant enough to protect me emotionally should things not work out. (Been there - Done That)
He and I continued to talk on the phone almost daily and for 2-6 hours at one time. We continued to find things in common and we continued to bond on a deeper level. I felt very close to him although we had not yet met face to face. Three times, we set up a time to meet and three times 'real life' interfered . . . *Sigh* I find myself hoping that this wasnt a 'three strikes and you're out' phenomenon.
A new curveball to this situation . . . he seems to have gone MIA. It has been two weeks since I have heard anything from him - no phone calls and no emails. Given what I "know" about this man just disappearing is not his style but my (neurotic) mind has been taking off in so many directions of 'why' I haven't heard from him.
So here I am blogging with a heavy heart because I really liked this guy and I was growing very attached to him (which I told myself not to do). So what am I supposed to think? - that he lost interest - that he found someone else - that he was hit by a bus - that he's dead (well I was a drama major).
How do I let go of a budding relationship that I felt was so promising? I should take a back off, with a wait and see attitude - but I am having difficulty with that. I have left phone messages and emails but have received no response. I think continuing to leave messages would appear to be desperate (and annoying) and that is what I do not want to be. :(
How do I hope that things work out while not deluding myself into some false hope? I don't know the answer to that but it is to that viewpoint I have come. I know I need to - keep moving forward keeping a flicker of hope and not create the melodrama in my mind ... :/
But there was a point during this year where I thought I had reached a stage of contentment. I keep a journal during sporatic times of my life and upon re-reading one entry from March - I found that I had reached a point where I was no longer 'obsessing' about finding THE ONE. I was still talking online but I was not searching anymore.
Then life aimed a curveball at my head . . . Just two days after this journal entry I started talking on the phone with a most intriguing man. He and I had a lot in common and seemed to 'click' and while I was trying to be cautious of my heart I felt a flicker of hope. I wanted to hope - but not too much; to protect my heart - but remain distant enough to protect me emotionally should things not work out. (Been there - Done That)
He and I continued to talk on the phone almost daily and for 2-6 hours at one time. We continued to find things in common and we continued to bond on a deeper level. I felt very close to him although we had not yet met face to face. Three times, we set up a time to meet and three times 'real life' interfered . . . *Sigh* I find myself hoping that this wasnt a 'three strikes and you're out' phenomenon.
A new curveball to this situation . . . he seems to have gone MIA. It has been two weeks since I have heard anything from him - no phone calls and no emails. Given what I "know" about this man just disappearing is not his style but my (neurotic) mind has been taking off in so many directions of 'why' I haven't heard from him.
So here I am blogging with a heavy heart because I really liked this guy and I was growing very attached to him (which I told myself not to do). So what am I supposed to think? - that he lost interest - that he found someone else - that he was hit by a bus - that he's dead (well I was a drama major).
How do I let go of a budding relationship that I felt was so promising? I should take a back off, with a wait and see attitude - but I am having difficulty with that. I have left phone messages and emails but have received no response. I think continuing to leave messages would appear to be desperate (and annoying) and that is what I do not want to be. :(
How do I hope that things work out while not deluding myself into some false hope? I don't know the answer to that but it is to that viewpoint I have come. I know I need to - keep moving forward keeping a flicker of hope and not create the melodrama in my mind ... :/
Jun 2, 2006
Who am i?
There’s a girl in the mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did.
.
‘Girl In The Mirror’
lyrics by Britney Spears
Apr 27, 2006
Paradox
A Quote ~ Anais Nin
There were always in me, two women at least,
one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning
and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,
conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning
and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,
conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
Mar 6, 2006
Grading Papers
I believe Teaching is my 'calling' and I love my job. The school where I am currently working is much better than any other school where I've worked.
HOWEVER - - -
I have a mountain of papers to grade... Being an English Teacher means having a lot more reading and subjective grading rather than basic answer type papers with which I can get students to help me. So - of course - most of this mountain is due to - you guessed it - procrastination. I thought I was being more organized by having them keep all of their work in their folders but then I neglected to go through the folders regularly.
Yes, I'm whining when I should be grading papers but I've been grading for about two hours tonight . . . I needed a break. I'm sure I have time to get all this done - it isn't like I have to finish it all tonight but the longer I wait the more I'd like to finish grading by blowtorch - lol
I've got to get more organized. (Famous last words - I still have boxes that aren't unpacked from my move in June '05)
Oh well . . . back to the stacks......................
HOWEVER - - -
I have a mountain of papers to grade... Being an English Teacher means having a lot more reading and subjective grading rather than basic answer type papers with which I can get students to help me. So - of course - most of this mountain is due to - you guessed it - procrastination. I thought I was being more organized by having them keep all of their work in their folders but then I neglected to go through the folders regularly.
Yes, I'm whining when I should be grading papers but I've been grading for about two hours tonight . . . I needed a break. I'm sure I have time to get all this done - it isn't like I have to finish it all tonight but the longer I wait the more I'd like to finish grading by blowtorch - lol
I've got to get more organized. (Famous last words - I still have boxes that aren't unpacked from my move in June '05)
Oh well . . . back to the stacks......................
Mar 4, 2006
Thoughts on life and God and . . .
Warning: A bit of rambling happening here . . . :)
So many things have happened in my life over the past few years . . . some good - some terrible - and some I was certain I would never live through. I've questioned everything I ever 'knew' to be true and I've come out still not knowing what I want to know. My faith was once a very big part of my life and has now basically become nonexistent. I was always involved in some church activity or another for the majority of my life and I loved it. It gave my life a feeling of purpose, destiny and fulfillment. But now it seems that I've come to a place of just not caring, not interested, and completely disconnected from that community of friends who have my family for approximately 20 years.
With everything that has happened in my life over the past several years I developed anxiety about almost everything and I sort of retreated into myself. Everything that I once thought I believed about God and the way life was supposed to work - has gone out the window and I've become cynical and sometimes angry about God, the church, and everything.
And I hate the "You are just being tested" theory because that just seems mean. I look to the Bible for answers and all I got is more questions. For example, God can sacrifice the children, health and possessions of Job so as to win a match against Satan. When Job asked why - God's answer was to tell him that He was God. When I asked someone why that wasnt mean of God they told me because he is God and he can do anything he wants.
Have I given up faith? I don't know. Maybe I just lost faith in faith. But don't imagine that this was an easy process. It has been like tearing my whole frame of reality to pieces, ripping to shreds the fabric of meaning and hope, betraying the values of existence. And it hurts.
There was no specific turning point for me. I one day just realized that I just couldn't care anymore. I felt drained, tired, and I just couldn't think anymore...so I just stopped...Stopped going to church, stopped reading the bible, and stopped thinking about any of it. Actually that isnt true I can't stop thinking as evidenced by this post. Family and friends always say, "God is in control" but that concept evades me sometimes because my thinking then becomes - if God is in control and all is well then Great! But if God is in control and someone's life is falling apart - how does that affect that persons view of God.
Anyway, I haven't come to any sort of final conclusions . . . maybe one day I'll understand things better. In the meantime, this confusion comes and goes from the forefront of my brain. And if I find someone who 'has all the answers' I'll let ya know. . . lol
So many things have happened in my life over the past few years . . . some good - some terrible - and some I was certain I would never live through. I've questioned everything I ever 'knew' to be true and I've come out still not knowing what I want to know. My faith was once a very big part of my life and has now basically become nonexistent. I was always involved in some church activity or another for the majority of my life and I loved it. It gave my life a feeling of purpose, destiny and fulfillment. But now it seems that I've come to a place of just not caring, not interested, and completely disconnected from that community of friends who have my family for approximately 20 years.
With everything that has happened in my life over the past several years I developed anxiety about almost everything and I sort of retreated into myself. Everything that I once thought I believed about God and the way life was supposed to work - has gone out the window and I've become cynical and sometimes angry about God, the church, and everything.
And I hate the "You are just being tested" theory because that just seems mean. I look to the Bible for answers and all I got is more questions. For example, God can sacrifice the children, health and possessions of Job so as to win a match against Satan. When Job asked why - God's answer was to tell him that He was God. When I asked someone why that wasnt mean of God they told me because he is God and he can do anything he wants.
Have I given up faith? I don't know. Maybe I just lost faith in faith. But don't imagine that this was an easy process. It has been like tearing my whole frame of reality to pieces, ripping to shreds the fabric of meaning and hope, betraying the values of existence. And it hurts.
There was no specific turning point for me. I one day just realized that I just couldn't care anymore. I felt drained, tired, and I just couldn't think anymore...so I just stopped...Stopped going to church, stopped reading the bible, and stopped thinking about any of it. Actually that isnt true I can't stop thinking as evidenced by this post. Family and friends always say, "God is in control" but that concept evades me sometimes because my thinking then becomes - if God is in control and all is well then Great! But if God is in control and someone's life is falling apart - how does that affect that persons view of God.
Anyway, I haven't come to any sort of final conclusions . . . maybe one day I'll understand things better. In the meantime, this confusion comes and goes from the forefront of my brain. And if I find someone who 'has all the answers' I'll let ya know. . . lol
Jan 2, 2006
Procrastination
Procrastination is my personal demon. It gets me into the most 'trouble' in every area of my life. I hate it but so far I haven't kicked the bad habit.
For example, I moved into my current place last June but most of my boxes are still packed and of the boxes that were unpacked a lot of the stuff still hasn't found its proper place. I can use the excuse that I started a new job in August - but that excuse falls a little flat.
At school, I procratinated with grading papers so that by the end of the semester I had stacks and stacks of things left to grade. In December - before Winter break - I wanted to finish grading by blowtorch.
So it should come as no surprise that my blog is not up to date. I have a written journal that I keep up with for the most part. I'll try to be better but no promises. :)
For example, I moved into my current place last June but most of my boxes are still packed and of the boxes that were unpacked a lot of the stuff still hasn't found its proper place. I can use the excuse that I started a new job in August - but that excuse falls a little flat.
At school, I procratinated with grading papers so that by the end of the semester I had stacks and stacks of things left to grade. In December - before Winter break - I wanted to finish grading by blowtorch.
So it should come as no surprise that my blog is not up to date. I have a written journal that I keep up with for the most part. I'll try to be better but no promises. :)
Nov 8, 2005
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