Illusive Contentment

Life is constantly throwing us curveballs but I, for one, am tired of dodging the balls that seem to be aimed at my head. I realize life will never be perfect, but a finding a little contentment would be nice. Being unmarried has always been a 'sore spot' for me, especially since I am now 38 years old and I guess that makes me the stereotypical "spinster teacher/aunt" LOL

But there was a point during this year where I thought I had reached a stage of contentment. I keep a journal during sporatic times of my life and upon re-reading one entry from March - I found that I had reached a point where I was no longer 'obsessing' about finding THE ONE. I was still talking online but I was not searching anymore.

Then life aimed a curveball at my head . . . Just two days after this journal entry I started talking on the phone with a most intriguing man. He and I had a lot in common and seemed to 'click' and while I was trying to be cautious of my heart I felt a flicker of hope. I wanted to hope - but not too much; to protect my heart - but remain distant enough to protect me emotionally should things not work out. (Been there - Done That)

He and I continued to talk on the phone almost daily and for 2-6 hours at one time. We continued to find things in common and we continued to bond on a deeper level. I felt very close to him although we had not yet met face to face. Three times, we set up a time to meet and three times 'real life' interfered . . . *Sigh* I find myself hoping that this wasnt a 'three strikes and you're out' phenomenon.

A new curveball to this situation . . . he seems to have gone MIA. It has been two weeks since I have heard anything from him - no phone calls and no emails. Given what I "know" about this man just disappearing is not his style but my (neurotic) mind has been taking off in so many directions of 'why' I haven't heard from him.

So here I am blogging with a heavy heart because I really liked this guy and I was growing very attached to him (which I told myself not to do). So what am I supposed to think? - that he lost interest - that he found someone else - that he was hit by a bus - that he's dead (well I was a drama major).

How do I let go of a budding relationship that I felt was so promising? I should take a back off, with a wait and see attitude - but I am having difficulty with that. I have left phone messages and emails but have received no response. I think continuing to leave messages would appear to be desperate (and annoying) and that is what I do not want to be. :(

How do I hope that things work out while not deluding myself into some false hope? I don't know the answer to that but it is to that viewpoint I have come. I know I need to - keep moving forward keeping a flicker of hope and not create the melodrama in my mind ... :/

Who am i?

There’s a girl in the mirror

I wonder who she is

Sometimes I think I know her

Sometimes I really wish I did.

.

‘Girl In The Mirror’

lyrics by Britney Spears