Too Many Questions

Life seems to bring more questions than answers these days.

It seems I am questioning everything I ever knew and I dont understand any of it anymore. As I look back at the beliefs I've held and the things I acknowledged as fact - I feel like I never really learned any of it. It seems that I need to reexamine my life. . . but I dont want to . . . it's too hard (my traditional pouty statements). But I know I gotta do what I gotta do.

I don't like feeling so depressive so much of the time. My family and my friends probably wonder why I cant just have a 'positive attitude'... But what they may not understand is that I feel the same way... why can't I just be positive?? I really love my teaching job this year; especially since last year was such a nightmare. And after a year of being a vagabond - I have a home. However, I am still feeling so disconnected . . . is it just that I'm not 'trying' . . . I dont know.

I tend to think too much instead of just doing what I need to do. . . Like this song lyric "I think myself into jail" - a song lyric from an Indigo Girls song called Hammer and a Nail.

Some lyrics seem to speak about me - especially "I think myself into jail" - "I've been digging too deep, I always do" - "I'd found myself becoming more immobile"

However this song is about getting up and doing something about your problems with lyrics such as: "Gotta get out of bed - Get a hammer and a nail - Learn how to use my hands - Not just my head"

I need to learn to stop procrastinating somehow . . .

WHEW!!

As noted in my last post - the strangest things seem to happen to me and I think - in my melodramatic way - "Nothing is ever going to be okay again!" Of course that is not exactly true. I always liked roller coasters when at a theme park; however, the roller coasters in my life are NOT as fun...

So I continue to learn that some circumstances can have a positive outcome but I actually have to DO something about it. Now those of you who know me well know that I tend to take the "fetal position" on any challenges in my life - not good I know. Recently I've had a few friends decide to impress upon me the importance to taking care of these issues before they turn into desperate problems. One of my close friends exacted certain promises from me with the penalty of 'dire consequences' for not following through - YIKES.

Now - in other news: I received a letter in the mail today from the State Attorney's office stating:

STATE OF FLORIDA vs J*** GAIL V***
CHARGES: *******
Peter K. Mislovic, as Assistant State Attorney, gives notice that the above
cause is hereby TERMINATED AND DISMISSED for the following principal reason, to wit:
THE DEFENDANT HAS COMPLIED WITH THE STATE REQUIREMENTS OF PROVIDING A PAID RECEIPTS OF CHECK AND PAYING STATE FEES.

Charged Dropped - Case Dismissed!!

So, it seems that - at least for now - I've escaped very serious consequences. There is still a question in my mind about some things regarding this (like if the arrest will be on my record) so I will still be doing more research to make CERTAIN that everything has been resolved. o:)

SUCKS

Just when I think that nothing worse can happen - it does.

I've spent most of this year (and part of last) going from crisis to crisis. The weirdest things have happened to me - things that I would have never thought could happen. Yeah - Yeah - I've heard the 'what doesnt kill us makes us stronger' but in my case I sometimes wish it had killed me.

My major fight has been with finances. . . now I am not the best record keeper so I know I have some blame here. BUT being a teacher in Polk County doesnt exactly bring in the money and several 'incidents' have long since sapped any savings I may have had. Therefore, many financial obligations have fallen seriously delinquent. And that brings me to why SUCKS is the title of this blog . . .

Several months ago - OK - January, I had written a check for cash but due to my decimated financial status - the check bounced - twice. This cause a fee and another fee as well as a trip to the State Attorney to pay another fee; all of which I forgot to do. In July, I was summoned to court regarding this matter and was given until October to take care of this obligation. However, as you have probably surmised by now, I failed to take care of it. There always seemed to be something more important I needed to pay first.

Saying that Procrastination could be my middle name would be an understatment. . . because this past week I received a "fix it and/or report to jail" letter in the mail. Still I waited until Friday afternoon to finally get this bill paid. I was supposed to report to Central Booking but instead I tried to make a series of phone calls to avoid doing that.

Fast forward to Sunday night - I was happily chatting online with two good friends when there comes a knock on my door. When I answer the door it is the police - which I had kind of suspected.

I assumed that because I had taken care of the bill that there would be no problems. So - I confidently showed my receipts and paperwork to the policemen fully expecting them to say "Oh Okay then" and then leave. Boy was I wrong!!

One of the policemen called in to 'headquarters' or something and this is when I learn that not only was the warrant for the insufficent check but also for failure to appear in court. COURT?? I didnt even know I was supposed to go to court. Apparently there was a court date on 10/3 that I was unaware of and therefore I did not attend.

I expected resolution of this matter - but what I did not expect was to be taken to jail in handcuffs. I was shocked, seriously shocked.

(Now, backing up a bit, I had been talking with a friend online who tried to get me to understand the seriousness of these events but I had apparently not 'gotten it' )

So off I go to jail to be booked. Fingerprints, mug shot, orange jail uniform, and into a holding cell to play the 'wait and see' game. I was told that I could "bond out" if someone would put up a certain amount and then I could get a new court date and go home. I called my parents and they came and paid the bond. . . And FIVE HOURS later I was finally released.

This, of course, is the simplistic version of the story but I'll definately say it is not an experience I want to repeat.

It has been mentioned by several people in my life that I may be 'addicted to crisis' but I HATE it. Is there a rehab center for this?? (and yeah Mr. Bill I know what you might suggest)

I'm going to end the post for now cuz I just want to sleep and escape for a while. I hope no one thinks any 'less of me' because of my circumstances because I feel low enough for all of us.

Thanks for listening . . .

Here goes

My oh my I cant believe I am actually starting a blog. I tend to write in my journal a lot but I've never kept an online blog so I am hoping I can keep it up. I've been inspired by a few friends with blogs so here goes ...